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  • To Bring Light: Lucas’ Story

    I have tried and tried to bring myself to write about Lucas’ birth and NICU journey but every time I sat down to write it out, all I can think about it who Lucas is now.

    Lucas is a bundle of joy. He absolutely loves his family. He is a bright spot in our little family. We named our sweet boy Lucas because his name means, “To Bring Light” and I wholeheartedly believe that was what he does for us.

    It’s interesting to me that while Liam’s story came easily and flowed right out of me, Lucas’ story is trapped in my mind. In some ways, it was very similar to Liam’s – my incompetent cervix, preterm labor pains and contractions, and a preterm birth – but in other ways it’s as unique as he is.

    As I reflect on the days leading up to and the day of Lucas’ birth, my mind truly will not let me remember details. Trauma has a way of blocking things I guess.

    What I do remember vividly about Lucas coming into this world is how much more peaceful the room was. Nothing was rushed and honestly, it gave me so much healing.

    So Mr. Lucas’ birth story will remain in my mind but his story is still being written.

    Lucas was born on May 25th, 2023 at 8:11 in the morning. He weighed 4lbs and 1 ounce and was 16.34 inches long. Born at 30 week and 6 days gestation.

    He has and continues to bring joy and light to our family and for that I will always be grateful.

  • Room 101

    “Due to your history, we’d like you to be seen.”

    This is the third time I’ve heard this in the last 4 weeks.

    I walked into the hospital, hesitantly, said my name and answered the many intake questions. The receptionist had my name written on a piece of paper with “101” written next to it. I watched as she printed my name band and labels. She opened her registration book and stuck my name label in her next empty slot and wrote “101” in the room column.

    I thought to myself, “there’s no way.” But I proceeded to sit down as she chit chatted with me.

    It felt like an eternity in the waiting room when in reality it was maybe 5 minutes. The nurse came and got me and took me to room 101.

    Once inside she gave me instructions and left for a minute to give me some privacy. I followed her instructions, heart pounding, thinking “this isn’t happening. I’m not really here.”

    I walked around the side of the bed and saw the monitors. I saw the familiar painting I watched my newborn son be wheeled past while the nurses breathed for him. The couch my husband had slept on all that time ago in anticipation of our preemie.

    And I wept.

    It started as a slow cry and then the tears became uncontrollable. They just kept coming.

    It was here in room 101 that I had given birth at 28 weeks to my Liam just a short 18 months ago.

    I stood staring at the bed through tear filled eyes thinking, “I can’t lay down here.” I saw the monitor straps draped across the bed, waiting for me. I kept thinking, “if I lay down, in this bed, in this room, it’s all going to happen again.”

    My nurse finally came in the room to see me hovering over the bed, wiping tears that kept flowing. I apologized (as I do too often) and explained that my son was born in this room.

    She quickly came to my side and compassionately offered to switch rooms. I’m not sure why but I declined.

    She and I talked about Liam. She asked me all about him. I showed her pictures of him and slowly I felt the power that this room held over me being released.

    I will never forget room 101. The nurse getting on the phone and saying, “we’re having a baby, room 101.” The sign saying “it’s a boy” though my boy was in the room for a few seconds before being whisked away to the NICU.

    Yes, my Liam was born here. Yes, it was one of the hardest days of my life. I will forever be left with the scars that were created in this room. Both emotional and physical.

    But this day, April 9th, 2023, I rewrote the story of this room.

    In this room, I talked about how well my boy is doing now. How we are excited for him to be the best big brother. How he’s happy and thriving at home.

    After checking me, they told me everything looks beautiful. Baby Bean is doing well. I was not in preterm labor and I was discharged just a few hours later and told I just need to rest more. I had over done it.

    I left the room, where so much of my trauma had taken place, like I had defeated it.

    Ironically, it was Easter Sunday. And I, as a believer, felt this day was perfectly orchestrated by the risen one Himself. Not only did Jesus overcome the grave on this day, but he used it to remind me that He turns graves into gardens. Where there was once death, or what felt like it, was the very place he brought me healing and restoration.

    Room 101 was my tomb. But yesterday, I walked out.

    Praise Jesus.

    Much Love,

    , ,

  • Where is the positive in the NICU?

    The NICU is full of ups and downs. But what happens when you have down, after down, with no ups in sight? Where is the positive when you keep getting knocked down, time and time again?

    I will tell you where I found my positive in my darkest moments, in hopes that maybe you can find yours there as well:

    It is the air in my babe’s lungs – whether through a ventilator, CPAP, nasal canula, or open air. It means he’s breathing. Every breath means life. A life that is fragile, sure, but still life. Through each push of air by ventilator, every drop of oxygen that bubbles through his CPAP mask, every time breath fills his little lungs, I am thankful.

    It is the beat of his tiny heart – monitored by nurses and doctors. Even with a heart defect from being born too soon, each beat gives hope for another one.

    It is the doctors and nurses who continue to provide care for my baby when I am unable to. They know just what to do for him. They know him well. And they know me well too. Everyday that I walk out of the NICU empty handed, I know I’m leaving my babe in the best possible care even though all I want is to bring him home.

    It is the mug I brought from home to make mid day coffee in because that is my favorite way to take a break. To sit in the parent lounge, sipping my cup of warm hug in a mug.

    Some days the positive is hard to find. It is in those moments, that I seek out positive in any way I can. I celebrate the small in big ways.

    What is one way you can seek out and focus on the positive today? Maybe it’s connecting with a friend that brings you positivity. Maybe it’s celebrating a seemingly small win in a big way. Maybe, today, for you sweet NICU mama, it’s choosing to find the positive, whatever that looks like for you, instead of the negative – even though it is hard.

    Much love,

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  • Now Offering – NICU Mama Life Coaching

    Do you ever feel like no one understands what you’re going through? Like you’re the only one who has these overwhelming feelings? Do you ever just wish you could talk to someone who understands? Someone who has been there and just gets it?

    I would love to be that person for you and I am so excited to announce that I am now offering NICU Mama Life Coaching!

    What that means is I will walk this NICU journey with you. You don’t have to do it alone.

    This is something that I have been wanting to offer for quite some time but wasn’t exactly sure how to go about it. As the NICU and NICU families are now my passion after having an NICU experience myself, I would absolutely love to support you through your journey of NICU mamahood and beyond.

    Here is what that looks like:

    We meet either virtually, by phone call, or in person (if you’re local to Lancaster, PA) and I will support and encourage you through your journey in the NICU and life after discharge.

    I do want to clarify that I am not a therapist and if you need more support than I am able to provide I will advise you to seek a out a therapist or medical professional. Life coaching is more of a mentorship than traditional therapy. I am here to walk through the present with you, however, I am not here to dig into your past.

    As a former NICU mama myself, I know just how financially taxing the NICU can be and I don’t want you reaching out for help to be an added burden. Sessions with me are by donation with the suggested amount being $20 per hour session. If you cannot give $20 per session, I trust that you give what you can. I will never turn someone away because of finances.

    If you are interested in becoming a NICU mama sponsor for those who do not have it in their budget, please reach out to me at nicumamahood@gmail.com.

  • What does it mean to be strong anyway?

    I could give you the dictionary definition of strength but here’s what it really is:

    It is entering the NICU to meet your child, not knowing what to expect. Strength is seeing your baby surrounded by cords and wires and monitors and still wanting to bond with them. It is waiting to hold your newborn and doing everything, anything you can do for them in the meantime. Strength is walking out of the hospital empty handed with a heavy heart. Strength is answering the question, “when are they coming home?” for the millionth time to people who clearly do not understand the situation. Strength is crying, like REALLY crying, in your car on the drive to the hospital to visit your infant and walking in like you didn’t. Strength is voicing your concerns to the doctors and nurses and advocating for your family. Strength is not knowing what tomorrow brings but still making plans.

    You want to know what TRUE strength is…

    It is YOU, sweet NICU Mama.

    You showed strength when you show up for your family day after day. You showed strength when you took care of yourself and rested. You showed strength by simply BEING, my dear.

    In the moments you feel at your weakest, remember… you are strong. Not because the world sees you as that, though they do. Not because your friends and family tell you are, no matter how well intentioned. Not because you received an email from a fellow NICU mom saying you are.

    You are strong because strength cannot be measured in ounces or pounds, as your NICU warrior has already shown. You are strong because strength is proven in the choices you make daily to keep going even when you think you can’t.

    I know you don’t feel strong. But Mama, you are.

    Much love,

  • NICU Mama Holiday Gift Guide

    Wondering what to get the NICU mama in your life?

    The NICU is such a challenging time for parents, especially around the holidays. You want to get that strong, brave NICU mama something that will remind her of how much you care this holiday season but you’re just not sure what to do.

    Here is my Holiday Gift Guide, NICU Mama edition!

    NICU Journal

    1.For the Preemie Parent: My Preemie Baby Book by OneElevenLovelyLane on ETSY

    This is the journal I bought myself at the beginning of our journey with Liam. It was wonderful. I added pictures and wrote in it in his NICU room when my mind needed to settle. Highly recommend!

    2. For Full Term NICU Mamas: NICU Moments: Daily Journal on Amazon

    This one is on our NICU’s current registry to buy for NICU parents. It is great for journaling your experience!

    3. For the NICU mama that likes to write: Any hardcover journal and pen would be very thoughtful!

    NICU Books

    1. For the Mama to know she’s not alone in how she’s feeling: Nicu Mamahood: The Musings of a NICU Mama by Jes Wagner on Amazon

    2. For Mama to read to babe in the NICU this holiday season: A NICU Christmas Adventure by Adam Wood and Dr. Prem Fort on Amazon

    For more NICU books visit my previous blog post: Ready! Set! READ!

    NICU Jewelry and Accesories

    1. For the past NICU mama: Milestone Bead Gift Necklace by Hand to Hold

    I bought one of these for myself after our NICU journey and it hangs in my car as a reminder of how far we’ve come. Plus this company helps support current NICU parents so WIN-WIN!

    2. For the sticker fanatic: NICU Mama (or Daddy!) Sticker from MedicalMamaBear on Etsy

    3. For the NICU mama with a personal touch: NICU Warrior Mama Necklace by SendingLoveGiftCo on Etsy

    NICU Dad and NICU Baby Gift guides coming soon!

    This was not a paid sponsorship. I genuinely love these products and I hope the NICU mama in your life will too!

  • Life after NICU – Is there such a thing?

    “This isn’t what I expected when I brought my baby home…”

    For one reason or another you’ve found yourself in the NICU with your newborn babe. The question of “What will life be like when we get home…. if we get home…” rolls through your mind frequently.

    I don’t like using the term “former NICU mama” because let’s be honest, being a NICU mama is forever carved into your DNA. But as a NICU mama who has had her baby boy home with her for about 6 months, I’m here to say there is in fact a life after NICU. Although, it was not what I thought it would be.

    Life after NICU looks like waiting to have people meet your baby. It’s doing things you never thought you would get to do. It’s also doing things you never thought you would have to do. Life after NICU is beautiful but sometimes feels broken. The life you envisioned when you found out you were pregnant is a nice thought but definitely not your reality. Visitations are limited and monitored due to your babe’s inability to cope with germs. People you thought would understand that, don’t. 

    Then there is the stress and anxiety of NICU PTSD. Where one moment you’re doing great and suddenly you’re back in the NICU watching your baby cry, unable to comfort them, and you feel completely and utterly helpless. It’s a beast. It can be consuming. It is not what I wanted during what should be a joyful time with my babe.

    But then, there are the things about life after NICU that I didn’t expect. There’s an urgency in my parenting to have my son experience the world – today. To squeeze every possible opportunity and experience into our everyday lives because I know just how valuable and fragile our time is together. Sure, this can induce anxiety if I don’t keep realistic expectations but how wonderful a gift to know the value of my time with my son. 

    The joy of watching my son grow and become is not something I take for granted. We see his personality come through more every day and it’s something I cherish. There’s nothing I love more than making my son laugh or smile. Seeing who he is and continuing to dream of what he will one day be because he is no longer in the NICU. 

    This life after NICU is hard. It’s not what I expected in both positive and not so positive ways. It brings its challenges and hits me with curve balls. PTSD hits when I least expect it and doesn’t when I do. I think of our NICU time every single day. I cannot watching our NICU videos with sound on because it takes me right back. 

    The NICU gifted me with PTSD, anxiety and urgency. It also gifted me my son.

    Life after NICU does exist. While it may not be the life I thought it would be, it’s mine. It’s beautiful, messy, broken, challenging, extraordinary and it’s mine. It’s the life I get to live with my son in our home. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

  • Ready! Set! READ!

    Never underestimate the power of reading to your baby in their isolette.

    It helps with bonding and hearing your voice can comfort your baby.
    I will never forget my baby’s nurses saying, “he loves it when you read to him. His vitals all even out while you read.” It made my mama heart so happy. If there is anything I am the most proud of during his NICU stay, it’s the way I read to him day after day, book after book. The coolest part is… he still loves books!

    So I get that I should read to my baby… but what do I read to them?

    They’re too little for picture books so what am I supposed to read them? Anything. You read them anything and everything! The sound of your voice is what matters the most. Don’t get hung up too much on what book because the important thing is that they’re listening to their mama or daddy talk.

    Grab your favorite book, the newspaper, a magazine or ebook and get to reading!

    Seriously, I cannot say enough good things about the benefits of reading to your babe.
    So you’re not really a reader and need some recommendations. First I’ll say, the library is a great resource. Go to the children’s section and grab whatever catches your eye.

    If you’re looking to purchase a couple books related to the NICU, here are my favorites:

    Peanut: A story book for might preemie babies by Lindsay Nolan

    I absolutely love this book as it talks about a mama’s love for her peanut.

    Small but Mighty by Alyssa Veech

    A sweet story with very accurate illustrations

    Oops! I’m Early by Irika Katiyar

    Written and illustrated by a preemie!

    To the Moon and Back for You but Emilia Bechrakis Serhart

    Written by a mama who went through IVF but I think it applies to more situations than that as it talks about how hard it was to get to her baby. A moving love story about the lengths a parent will go for their child.

    Nicu Mamahood: The Musings of a NICU Mama by Jes Wagner

    Throwing in a book for Mom and Dad as well because you matter too. This book relays the emotions that every NICU parent experiences. It’s through the lense of the Mama but I think dads can relate as well.

    Most importantly, pick something that YOU enjoy reading because baby isn’t focused on the words as much as they’re focused on Mom or Dad’s voice.

    Get to reading!

  • Welcome to Nicu Mamahood

    The Story of How Nicu Mamahood Came to be

    Jes Wagner’s son Liam was born at 28 weeks gestation. After a month of modified bed rest, Liam was too eager to greet his mom and dad.
    Jes journaled throughout her son’s NICU stay. The moments her heart broke, she wrote it down. Jes’ husband encouraged her to put it all together into a book and with the help of her mom, that’s just what she did.
    You can find it

    Here
    During Liam’s NICU stay Jes discovered that Instagram had a lot of really good community for NICU moms and she wanted to build her own both to connect with other NICU moms and also to promote her book. Hence, NicuMamahood social media was made.
    “It’s been a beautiful journey of self discovery and finding out how much I’m actually capable of handling. Being a NICU mama was never part of my plan for motherhood, but here I am, PTSD and all,” says Jes.
    Jes made many designs for her social media accounts and thought, “maybe I could try to sell them!”
    Each purchase helps support her, her family and her dreams. Jes currently is a stay at home mom but is looking for part time work to help pay the bills.
    “Nicu Mamahood has been a way for me to find my own healing. Through my writings and the community I’ve been building, it’s been incredible how helpful they’ve been. My hope is that it will be bring hope and community to those that follow my journey.”
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    Check out Jes’ Book Nicu Mamahood: The Musings of a NICU Mama on Amazon