“This isn’t what I expected when I brought my baby home…”

For one reason or another you’ve found yourself in the NICU with your newborn babe. The question of “What will life be like when we get home…. if we get home…” rolls through your mind frequently.

I don’t like using the term “former NICU mama” because let’s be honest, being a NICU mama is forever carved into your DNA. But as a NICU mama who has had her baby boy home with her for about 6 months, I’m here to say there is in fact a life after NICU. Although, it was not what I thought it would be.

Life after NICU looks like waiting to have people meet your baby. It’s doing things you never thought you would get to do. It’s also doing things you never thought you would have to do. Life after NICU is beautiful but sometimes feels broken. The life you envisioned when you found out you were pregnant is a nice thought but definitely not your reality. Visitations are limited and monitored due to your babe’s inability to cope with germs. People you thought would understand that, don’t. 

Then there is the stress and anxiety of NICU PTSD. Where one moment you’re doing great and suddenly you’re back in the NICU watching your baby cry, unable to comfort them, and you feel completely and utterly helpless. It’s a beast. It can be consuming. It is not what I wanted during what should be a joyful time with my babe.

But then, there are the things about life after NICU that I didn’t expect. There’s an urgency in my parenting to have my son experience the world – today. To squeeze every possible opportunity and experience into our everyday lives because I know just how valuable and fragile our time is together. Sure, this can induce anxiety if I don’t keep realistic expectations but how wonderful a gift to know the value of my time with my son. 

The joy of watching my son grow and become is not something I take for granted. We see his personality come through more every day and it’s something I cherish. There’s nothing I love more than making my son laugh or smile. Seeing who he is and continuing to dream of what he will one day be because he is no longer in the NICU. 

This life after NICU is hard. It’s not what I expected in both positive and not so positive ways. It brings its challenges and hits me with curve balls. PTSD hits when I least expect it and doesn’t when I do. I think of our NICU time every single day. I cannot watching our NICU videos with sound on because it takes me right back. 

The NICU gifted me with PTSD, anxiety and urgency. It also gifted me my son.

Life after NICU does exist. While it may not be the life I thought it would be, it’s mine. It’s beautiful, messy, broken, challenging, extraordinary and it’s mine. It’s the life I get to live with my son in our home. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.